The Microsoft Beast

I
Tried.

Tried to the point where my fingers cramped.
My head ached.
And my heart started beating irregularly.

To the point where I would lose my teeth in my dreams.
To the point where I would feel guilty for just being still.

I timed conversations with loved ones so that there would be enough time in the day to try.
I restricted my weekend outings because there were not enough hours for fun.
I fought my body's desire to sleep because I was not going to leave one ounce of energy not utilized.

I became dependent on deadlines.
Microsoft.
Discount coffee brands
and B12 vitamins.

I.
Could.
Not.
Have.`
Tried.
Harder.

And still

I failed.

Failed with flying colors.

Failed with a whole department encouraging me
Conference audiences applauding me
Failed with my family telling me they were proud of me
Failed my passion and my work ethic.

It crushed me.
Nearly obliterated me.

Squelched my desire to write
To read
And to find passion in human rights
And advocacy.

That summer I found interests in other matters.
But there always was this beast
living in my laptop
waiting to hurt me again if I looked at it.

So I didn't open that document.

Just thinking about it brought back the anxiety
the shakes
and the failure.

And I used to love it.

It hurt - how something I gave life to demolished me.
Ate at me
And drove me to bitterness.

I'm a fairly congenial person and the thoughts I thought that month were far from pleasant.

I was angry.
At the Program Director,
At the Honors Council,
At my second reader,
But mostly at myself.

For wasting two whole years.
For thinking I created something special
That mattered.
For believing my supporters.
For going out to dinner that Friday night in March when I should have been home working.

I hated how much I lost.
Lost my paper,
Lost my honors,
Lost my time,
Lost my drive.

Two.
Whole.
Years.
Ages 20 through 22.
To a failed project.

I thought I could change the world
But I couldn't even sway one man's opinion.
Crushed.

I've wondered about the reason for this failure.
About how it fits into my story.
Because, if you know me, you know that I fight until I succeed.
I crawl to that finish line and give it all I've got.
Because I believe that the key to success is hard work.
It is what I teach my kids, what I used to believe, and is what I am trying to remember.

But the truth is
That sometimes you can give every single ounce of you
Until you're like a rung-out rag
Beaten and deflated
And it still might not be enough.
It's true.

But it is in that moment of desperation and emptiness
that you question what fueled you.
In that moment, you either choose to dry out in the sun
Or get up.

I got up.

Now, for the first time in months I opened my thesis file.
I clicked on my Microsoft Beast .
And I read it.

one program
One paper
and one man
Do not determine who I am.
But one moment can.

So do not let others define you.
Do not give up on your passions.
Give it all you got.
Lose it all.
And try again.

The only true failure is when you believe that failing is a permanent existence.
It's not.

So continue.